


Fast as Metal

by doinggodswork



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Bayonetta is the only sane person so you know something’s extremely wrong, Gay, M/M, Marriage, Snake and Falcon are drunk, on crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28067532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doinggodswork/pseuds/doinggodswork
Summary: A totally legit and beautiful snake x captain falcon taleViewer discretion is advised, esp if you’ve played any metal gear game or fzero game because it will ruin your memories of the charactersOn crack
Relationships: Captain Falcon (F-Zero)/Solid Snake
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	1. Capitalism Sucks, the Captain Doesn’t

**Author's Note:**

> This is on crack, you have been warned

“HELL YEAH I WON!!! YOU SEE THAT, FALCON???” Snake threw his joy-con in Captain Falcon’s face and practically inhaled his 26th bottle of vodka.

“NO YOU DIDN’T” Falcon yelled back, “I CLEARLY WON”

“OH PLEASE, LOOK AT MY SIDE OF THE SCREEN, IT SAYS NO1! LOOK, BOWSER IS WAVING AT THE CROWD, PAY UP SUCKER”

Snake and Captain Falcon were playing Mario Kart and gambling in Snake’s room. 55 empty bottles of vodka could be seen on the floor.

Captain Falcon reluctantly handed over 50 bucks. Snake laughed like Voldemort did after Harry Potter died, grabbing the 50 bucks and throwing the banknotes into the air.

Captain Falcon crossed his arms. Tears rolled down his cheeks. “No fair! Mariokart sucks!”

“SUCKS TO BE YOU” Snake started rolling around on the banknotes on the floor.

“YOU CAPITALIST SCUMBAG”

Snake gasped, falling onto his nerfed butt. “JESUS THAT HURT, I SHOULD’VE LISTENED TO KOJIMA AND KEPT MY ORIGINAL BODY PROPORTIONS”

“NEVER MIND THAT, U SUCK M8”

“EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, MR MUSCLE!!!” Snake howled back, “LOOK AT YOU, WITH YOUR FALCON PUNCH—”

“It’s FALCON PAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNCCCHHHHHHH” The Captain scoffed and corrected.

“YEAH THAT” Snake screeched, “AND WITH YOUR BUFF TONED ARMS—”

Captain Falcon gasped and jumped, flying 10 feet into the air. He landed back with a thud. “YOU THINK I LOOK BUFF????”

Snake looked away like a tsundere anime girl. “Y…yeah. SO WHAT??” He snapped, “WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL, YOU BAKA??”

“I…I think you look handsome too, Snake-san…”

Snake screamed like an anime girl. “Kyaaaaaaaaa!!”

Suddenly, Link burst into the room, clutching his Master Sword. “HYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” He screamed.

“Ooh sexi” Falcon moaned.

“What do you want??” Snake said violently, holding the bottle of vodka like it was a katana.

Link looked around the room. “I thought Zelda was in danger” He signed.

Falcon and Snake looked confused for a sec, then Falcon burst into laughter.

“omg he heard the scream!”

“Yeah I did, it sounded like Zelda screaming” Link signed.

Falcon laughed even harder. “Nah that was Snake!!!!!”

“Yeah bro ur girlfriend isn’t here lmao” Snake added.

Link looked horrified and quickly backed out of the room. He then poked his head back in and signed, “She’s not my girlfriend”

“Oh yea she’s from another timeline or something right” Snake said, “OH DAMN BRO YOU A PLAYBOY, HITTIN ON SO MANY ZELDAS AT ONCE”

Link ran out the room.

“Homie you scared him for good!” Falcon said, default dancing.

“I. K. R!!!!” Snake default danced too. 

As soon as they default danced, they felt like they were floating in the air. All their worries were floating away like steam from a bowl of hot soup. They danced and danced, staring into each other’s eyes. Snake stared intently into the white slits in Captain Falcon’s mask like he was an art fanatic and Falcon was the Mona Lisa. The Captain’s eyes were so blinding and bright that Snake slowly fell to the floor, and everything went black. The last thing he remembered was something heavy falling onto him. Maybe it was Captain Falcon. Or maybe it was a giant rhino, who knows.

“I love me some rhino meat….” He muttered, though he was drunk so it sounded more like “I rub meat sum bino sheet”, then drifted off to sleep.


	2. Once Upon a Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don’t drink vodka kids

Falcon woke up in a meadow with flowers.

“Where the hell am I”

You’re in a meadow with flowers, idiot. The writer was tempted to say this but didn’t want to break the fourth wall because that was Deadpool and Pit’s job.

Captain Falcon stood up and stumbled around the meadow like a drunk man. Which he was, so yeah. His giant toned legs fumbled around this way and that, stepping and killing so many flowers that the flower lady from Breath of the Wild would want his head chopped off and hung on sticks as a sacrifice to Goddess Hylia.

“Hm how did I get here?” The Captain couldn’t remember anything. Just then, he saw a familiar figure on the other side of the meadow. It looked like… a chimpanzee? He squinted and walked closer. Wait… it was green. Chimpanzees aren’t green! He ran towards the figure, yodeling and waving his arms. The mysterious person saw him and did the same. They were running towards each other on a flowery meadow, yodeling and waving. It was the typical romance novel steup. Suddenly, the Titanic theme started playing out of nowhere. The 2 ran even faster, and faster, AND FASTER, I AM SPEED MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

BUT JUST AS THEY WERE 5 CENTIMETERS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, THE CAPTAIN TRIPPED ON A ROCK!!!!! HE FELL STRAIGHT INTO THE MYSTERY GUY’S ARMS!!! KyAa sO kAwAii!!! THE MYSTERY GUY HELD ONTO CAPTAIN FALCON TIGHT SO THAT HE WOULDN’T FALL AND BREAK THAT GORGEOUS HEAD OF HIS. FALCON LOOKED UP AT HIS SAVIOUR. IT WAS NONE OTHER THAN……

SOLID SNAKE HIMSELF!!!!!!

“Snake?” He whispered.

A wall appeared from the ground cuz plot convenience haha. Snake grabbed Falcon and pinned him against the wall.

“Kept you waitin’, huh?” Snake mumbled, trying to be suave but sounding like an alcoholic.

The Captain loved it though. “…yes…”

“Well, I won’t keep you waiting anymore” said Snake, moving closer.

“But the last Metal Gear game came out in 2018…” Falcon murmured, their faces only inches away from each other.

“When did the last F-Zero game come out then, huh?”

Captain Falcon could not answer that. (It’s 2004, for you nerds that want to know. Yeah Nintendo needs to do something with this franchise)

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Snake moved closer to Falcon and macked him on the lips. The 2 of them felt as if they were Oompa Loompas when some kids get hurt—they felt like singing and dancing for joy. They wanted to stay in this field, in this position, FOREVER.

But just then, like some divine power knew what was going through their minds, (Must be Palutena, that busybody) Falcon started to disappear.

“No!” He screeched, “I want to stay! I need to stay!!!!”

Snake tried to grab him but to no avail.

“SNAAAAAAAKE!!!!” Falcon screamed. But it was no use. He had disappeared completely.


	3. OwO Mi Amor!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bayonetta is pulled into this crack fic

Captain Falcon woke up. He was still in a trance because of that wonderful dream he just had. Just then, he heard somebody groaning underneath him. 

“Aughhhhhh Falcon get off me”

Captain Falcon looked down to see that he was on top of Snake. He hurriedly got up and helped Snake stand up. Suddenly, the world was in slow motion. The camera (yes for some reason there’s a camera now) zoomed in to Falcon’s face, and some sparks appeared around him. 

“Are you alright, Snake?” He asked, making his voice deeper so he sounded like Rick Astley. 

“Yeah.” Snake responded equally manly-ly. 

“Good.” 

They stood there like two flamingos in a pond for 10 minutes straight while Salut d'Amour started playing. 

The music awkwardly stopped, bringing these 2 thirsty pervs back to reality. Snake cleared his throat. “Uh, so we should leave right”

Captain Falcon sighed, trying to sound like those wise dying old mentors in movies but sounding like an elephant instead, “yeah”

“Oh but hey, before that, I have to tell you something” Snake said, “I had a weird dream”

“What kind of dream”

“We were in a meadow with flowers,” Snake recalled, “Then I saw you and we were yodelling, then I pinned you against a wall”

Captain Falcon was SHOOK. He gasped, gulping in lots of poor poor oxygen molecules that probably would’ve barfed if they had mouths due to his bad vodka-breath. “Snake! I had the SAME DREAM!!!”

It was Snake’s turn to gasp. The oxygen molecules yelled some profanities in molecular language that, if made sfw, can roughly be translated to “dang what am I doing in this chimp’s mouth?!” 

“Really?!?!” He shrieked like a 12 year old girl when her idol posts a pic on Instagram, “omg! This could only mean one thing!!”

“We were both drunk?”

“No!” Snake said, “It’s a sign from the heavens! We are destined to be together!!”

Falcon owo-ed. “You’re right! We had the exact same dream! This means that our hearts and minds are one!!”

Falcon took Snake’s hands. “You know,” he said, “My name isn’t actually Captain Falcon”

Snake looked as if someone had told him that the earth was flat. “It’s not?!”

“No, dummy, my name is Douglas. Douglas Jay Falcon.” 

That was the sexiest name Snake had ever heard. It made him want to melt like ice cream placed in the Sahara Desert. “Well, my name isn’t Solid Snake either.”

Falcon looked shook this time. “NANI?!”

“Yeah.” Snake murmured so that Falcon would have to get closer to him to hear, “It’s...David.”

Falcon cackled. “I’m Douglas, you’re David. Our names both start with a D.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Do you know what else starts with a D?”

Snake thought hard. Then, his face lit up. 

“Destiny!!” They said in unison. (What were you guys thinking huh)

The 2 of them grabbed each other’s… arms. (seriously get your mind out the gutter)

“THIS IS GOD’S PLAN!!” Snake shrieked. 

“YES!” Falcon called to the non-existent mountains. 

“WE MUST TELL PEOPLE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP!” 

“I’LL CHANGE MY FACEBOOK STATUS TO ‘IN RELATIONSHIP’!!!!”

“REEEEEEEEEEEE”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You two are… what now?” Bayonetta frowned in confusion at the 2 men standing in front of her. 

“I! TOLD! YOU!” Snake said impatiently, stomping on the floor, “DOUGLAS AND I ARE A THING NOW. IN LOVE” He waved his arms around dramatically, “AMOR!!”

“YEAH!” Falcon screamed along, “LOVE!! SMOOCHY SMOOCH!”

Bayonetta blinked. ‘Oh my, they’re drunk.’ She thought, ‘But… this would be a good show. And their reactions after they become sober would be absolutely hilarious. Oh well, might as well go along with it.’ 

“Oh! I see!” She said, attempting to sound like a chirpy housewife (that went as well as you’d expect), “Well, congratulations, I suppose!” 

“YEAH IT WAS GOD’S PLAN U KNO” Falcon screeched. 

“THIS IS DESTINY” Snake added. 

“Right…” 

“SO WE HEARD THAT U’RE A NUN WHEN U AREN’T TORTURING ANGELS” Falcon said. 

“That’s not exactly-“

“CAN YOU BLESS US AND GET US MARRIED” Snake hollered. 

Bayonetta fought the urge to laugh. “I’m an Umbra Witch, dear, not God. I can’t bless you.”

“SO SHOULD WE ASK PALUTENA INSTEAD” 

“Oh good heavens no.” Bayonetta grimaced. She could already hear Palutena’s voice in her head, freaking out and losing it, ‘what is this disgusting display?! You expect me to what?! We should ban vodka in this place. HEY WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF PIT! HE’S A KID!!’ 

“Uh, well, you know what?” She said, not wanting to see the Goddess of Light turn into the Goddess of PTA moms, “I’ll give you my blessing or whatever you want me to do, though frankly I don’t see why you’d want it.” 

Snake and Falcon twerked with joy. 

“Ohmigod,” Snake said, suddenly sounding like Gretchen from Mean Girls. “It’s so obvious why we want your blessing, Bayo. You’re the hottest person in the entire smash universe, naturally anybody would want you to do it, DUH!”

“Careful now, hotshot, or you’ll be cheating on the love of your life.” Bayonetta teased. 

“NO IT’S OK WE BOTH THINK U HOT” Falcon said, “BUT SINCE IT’S MUTUAL IT’S A FURTHER TESTAMENT TO OUR LOVE”

“That’s a very...interesting line of logic.” Bayonetta replied, “But anyway. What exactly do you 2 lovestruck romantics want me to do?”

“WE WANT YOU TO HOST A WEDDING AND STUFF, YOU KNOW, MARRIED PEOPLE STUFF”

“Ok, when?”

“NOW!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I’m sane


	4. GAY PRIDE SAY IT WITH ME GAY PRIDE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get married yay

The smashers were all eating breakfast very peacefully. Suddenly, distant piano notes could be heard.

“What’s that?” Palutena asked.

The music slowly became louder and louder, and the smashers could make out some of the notes. It was Let’s Dance Boys.

They all knew what that meant.

“TAKE COVER!!” Shulk yelled, perhaps seeing what would happen.

Too late. The ceiling crashed, and Bayonetta somersaulted from above in slow motion, our camera zooming in to her various body parts like in her games because Hideki Kamiya is a simp. She landed on the floor on her heels that were guns cuz game logic, something exploded in the background, and she walked away from it, flicking her hair and blowing a kiss at the smashers.

None of them were amused. Except Sephiroth. He was taking notes.

“Ok what do you want?” Dark Pit asked irritably.

“Now now dear, there’s no need to be such a downer.” She said, twirling towards him and lifting his chin, “I just came here to announce something.”

“What? You’re gonna become a porn star or something?”

A few smashers gasped.

“What’s a porn star dad?” Bowser Jr asked.

“It’s somebody who acts in porn, y’know, like your distant relative Bowsette.”

“Oh ok”

Bayonetta put Edgelord McAngel’s head down and smirked. “No, it’s something better, actually.” She snapped her fingers, and the walls of the cafeteria were instantly covered in white curtains, the tables and seats were also made 20 times fancier, and a red carpet had appeared out of thin air, rolling itself from the entrance down the aisle between tables. A large stage appeared because why not, and a cake fell from the air. Bayonetta jumped onto the stage, caught the cake mid-air, then did a backflip. She landed on the stage and posed with the cake. Oh and she had also changed into a white dress while she was backflipping because she’s Bayo.

“Someone’s getting married!” She announced.

“But who…?” Marth started, when the door burst open. Falcon and Snake ran into the cafeteria-turned-banquet hand in hand, each wearing Ron’s dress robes at the Yule Ball.

“Snake and Captain Falcon are getting married!” Bayonetta said, making it evident from her face that it was a joke.

The smashers were quiet for a few seconds, then erupted into cheers. Simon and Richter were overjoyed, waving pride flags and hollering.

“Aren’t you 2 Christians or something?” Snake asked.

“Yeh shouldn’t you not like gays or something” Falcon added.

“HEY!” Simon pouted, “WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA? YOU THINK CHRISTIANS CAN’T LIKE GAYS OR SUM’N?”

“GAY PRIDE GAY PRIDE” Richter screeched, shaking the flag so aggressively that it flew away from his hands and into the cake.

The 4 men lost their feces.

“BRO THAT WAS SICK YO”

“I KNOW BRO”

“GAY PRIDE GAY PRIDE”

“LET’S GO HOMIES”

“Hey. Lovebirds.” Bayonetta called from the stage. “Are you getting married or what?”

Snake and Falcon snapped out of their ecstatic state and seemed to suddenly remember that they were indeed getting married. They Naruto ran onto the stage, knocking down tables and making people trip along the way because how dare they stand in the way of their love.

The 2 of them leaped like frogs onto the stage.

“Right, I’ve never really been one for formalities.” Bayonetta said, “Let’s just make this quick. So, Snake.”

Snake looked at her like an excited puppy. Though I wouldn’t describe Snake as a puppy, more like a rabid bulldog. But anyway.

“You want to marry Captain Falcon?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, Captain. You want to marry Snake?”

“Yes.”

Bayonetta raised her eyebrows at the 2 of them, letting out a chuckle. “Well, if I’m being honest with you 2, I didn’t think we’d make it this far. Come off it, you 2 must be at least a little more sober now, right?”

Snake ROARED LIKE WIGGLER WHEN YOU WAKE HIM UP IN MARIO PARTY! “THE HELL DO YOU MEAN WOMAN!!??”

Bayonetta’s eyebrows shot up even higher.

“YEA WERE U MAKIN FUN OF US THE ENTIRE TIME?!?!”

“It’s Bayonetta you’re talking to, what did you expect?” Samus yelled from the audience.

“Be quiet, would you, Sammy?”

Falcon lunged at Bayonetta, only for the Umbra Witch to slide to the left and leap into the air for no reason other than to show off. Oh and fancy camera zoom-ins of course. She landed in between the 2 lovers.

“JJEQJADNDSJFXJVDJEGNDBDBRHISFJEFH” Falcon yelled.

“I’m in awe of how you managed to pronounce that.” Bayonetta said, “But it seems like you two are… serious about this?”

“YES U WANNA FITE ME ABOUT IT BRO ILL 1V1 U FOX ONLY NO ITEMS FINAL DESTINATION” Snake screamed.

Fox squirmed in his seat. Falco rolled his eyes. “Hey Einstein, nobody can play melee anymore, remember?”

‘My, they’re serious.’ Bayonetta thought. ‘Oh, well, I’ll go along with it, we’ve come this far anyway.’

“Alright then, lovebirds.” She said twirling her gun in a way that would make all her fanboys on rule 34 drool and uh, well some things are better left unsaid if you catch my ~~joycon~~ drift.

Falcon and Snake were ecstatic. They jumped 70 feet into the air, but they didn’t fall. They were floating!

“THIS MUST BE A SIGN OF ETERNAL HAPPINESS AND LOVE!” Falcon yelled, taking Snake’s hands.

“I’LL MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST MAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!”

“WE’RE SOARING, FLYING”

“FLYING IN A POOL OF LOVE”

The 2 floated over the room, then broke the window and flew outside, going above and beyond the clouds while singing All Star at the top of their lungs.

Bayonetta looked up at the 2 flying lovers, shaking her head. “Now I wonder what they’re smoking?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m slowly descending into insanity


	5. Put the pedal to the metal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk

-5 years later- 

Captain Falcon placed his hands on the steering wheel, breathing fast. His palms were beginning to hurt from his grip, when suddenly, he heard a voice. 

“Nervous, huh?” 

The captain turned to see David poking his head in through the window. “Hon, this is the racing track. The race is starting in 10 minutes, you’re not supposed to be here.” 

“Bayonetta gave me the lover’s pass.” Snake winked. 

“Your lover’s pass won’t save you from getting run over by a car.” 

“Oh, but you will.” Snake moaned sexily. Falcon could not deny that he was aRoUsEd by that. 

“Sure babe, but go back to the spectators’ stands.” 

“Make me.” 

Falcon leaned in closer to Snake. Their faces were inches away from each other... Falcon was going in like a cucco to a Hylian… when SUDDENLY, he stood up and yodelled towards the spectator stand. He then proceeded to twerk and sing ‘Take on Me’, much to the audience’s confusion. 

“SEXI!” Snake called to the mountains, joining in and yodelling as well. 

“JDSCHUCFNDSHHVFHFFHF7FHFHFNEJFDSNVEFUNEFNVNNNJNFV” Ridely’s demonic screeching echoed through the race track. The couple turned to see him holding a megaphone. Nobody knew why he was assigned to be the commentator in the day’s race, though there was a rumour that Samus had secretly found his yelling sexi and wanted him to do it. But hey, that’s just a theory. A POTENTIAL RULE 34 FANART THEORY!!!! AND OH GOD AM I GIVING THEM IDEAS SHOOT-

AHEM, ANYWAY. 

Snake left the racetrack like an obedient bounty hunter sent to a bottle ship to complete a mission only to listen to everything her commander says and is willing to burn in a lava area because of it and cries like a wimp when her nemesis shows up.   
Falcon nodded, satisfied, and put his concentration into the race. 

Ridley got himself ready. “SKAAAAAAAA, SKAAAAA, SKAAAA, UDHEFHRFJDFIJFVNJDFIRWNGGJG!!!” (He said “3, 2, 1, go” for all u uncultured plebs who can’t speak space pirate smh)

The race had begun! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the race, Falcon was chillin near the spectator stands, breathless but happy. 

Suddenly, he saw something coming towards him. 

“A chimpanzee…?” He squinted. “Oh wait, that’s not a chimp, that’s David!!” 

“DOUUUUUUGLLLLAAAASSSSSSSS” He screeched, running towards him and flinging his arms like he was one of those flying swing rides in amusement parks, “YOU WOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!” 

He FELL RIGHT INTO DOUGLAS’ ARMS AND DOUGLAS STROKED HIS HAIR SUPER MANLY-LY KYAAA SO HOT. 

SNAKE LOOKED AT HIM LIKE HE WAS A DISCIPLE AND FALCON WAS JESUS CHRIST. 

“Hey, you did great at the race.” He mumbled, because mumbling is apparently sexy to him, “You were fast.” 

Falcon leaned in. “Oh yea? How fast?” 

Snake smirked, leaning onto Falcon’s abs. “Fast as metal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m gonna write more crack fics you haven’t seen the last of me yet suckers


End file.
